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They tell me I nag. They tell me I am too quick to finish tasks. They tell me how they’ve forgotten my request to do chores or to return an overdue library book. They are my son and my wife. In 2010, our son was diagnosed with ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) and as a teen, my wife was diagnosed with ADD (attention deficit disorder).
Today, we live as a loud and loving family. I have my days. Days when I am frustrated with the forgetfulness, days when I do not understand why my wife chooses to pass by the piled up laundry and not try to fold it, why my ears bleed from the high-pitched tones of the simplest requests from them — “can you grab my coat,” “where is the library book I need to return,” and so on.
When I get frustrated, I must turn outside and educate myself (again) on the disorders which live in our house. I too forget to be more patient, to write out lists for them, to support them in the areas they need to be supported. It is within these areas that I struggle. I continue to do better for them, the sanity of our household depends on my continuing to be and do better for them.
I read helpful tips from people like Dr. Mark Bertin. A 2018 New York Times article, states it perfectly “When a child has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, it affects the whole family.” He goes on to say, “When a child has A.D.H.D., the level of independence is delayed compared to peers, and often just day-to-day life becomes more stressful at home. All the little things may be harder.” Our son’s diagnosis does not solely impact him but our entire family. When he is forgetful, when he is impulsive, when he sings during family movie night, when he finds it hard to concentrate — all behaviors which can frustrate his moms and impact his sisters. In the end, we must all work together, in concert with his medications to have a peaceful home.
For my wife, she’s grown to manage her ADD diagnosis without medication and relies on her own behavior modifications, mainly writing lists. At work, she is successful, dedicated and focused. When she gets home, she lets her hair down so to speak and can in many ways replenish her energy reserve by not being “on” all evening. She can unwind knowing I will pick up the slack — because I have always and will continue to do so. For me, I look at doing so as the way I can support her. Is it always fair? Probably not. But it works for us.
This does not mean I don’t still nag her. This does not mean that I don’t get frustrated and take out those frustrations at home — yelling and often giving myself a time-out. Living with two people whom I love who also find it hard to focus, is hard. We will continue to write lists. We will continue to be aware of what helps us all be more successful both at home and out in the world. Their diagnoses do not define them and they definitely do not define our family.
